Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Syed's guide to surviving a Desi wedding

These past few days I had the good fortune of being able to attend the wedding celebration of an old school friend. Seeing the wedding and searching for a guide online made me realize there are no really good guides online on how to survive a Desi wedding. First though lets start with the word Desi, it means anyone from the Indian subcontinent. Even though the governments might be at odds with each other, the people of the subcontinent have a lot of similarities. For example every wedding has rice, lots and lots of rice. At a regular wedding there is more rice than there is fissile material in all the nuclear war heads in the United States.

So how do you survive a Desi wedding? Well it depends on what you mean by survive, there is no hope for the bride and groom, they are treated like prized monkeys in a zoo. Everyone takes pictures with them, feeds them to death and analyzes their choice of clothing/accessories etc(which btw the bride and groom have no choice in) till its 4 am in the morning and the bride and groom can't sit straight anymore and the fake smile is etched into their face forever. So my goal at the wedding was to be as self effacesive as possible, I didn't want to draw any attention to myself so I situated myself as close to the groom as possible. This strategy works rather well, the closer you are to the centre of attention the farther you are from it yourself. If you don't want to be force fed till you feel like you are about to explode in a fury of rice and sweets you have force feed others. If you sit around silently someone will come around and put a feeding tube down your throat and pass rice into you till it backs up and flows out of the tube. This actually isn't too far from the truth, A Desi wedding means gaining about 5lbs in one night, and then there is the singing, god help us. The women folk start singing old wedding songs, these songs have been around for about as long as anyone can remember and have been passed from generation to generation at weddings. After the course of many millennia something that, in all probability, started out as a simple song has ended up becoming a full orchestral ensemble with a choir group an everything.
I survived this one and many people asked when I would be getting married, with the looks of horror the poor groom gave me at being made to sit through a 100 photo sessions I don't think I will be doing anything quite that stupid anytime soon, why put your self through all that trouble?. I plan to elope, that is I plan to elope as soon as I have someone to elope with. Probably go live me life out in Timbuktu or some thing.

In other news some one rear ended my car. It’s like when your little finger gets hurt and you try your best to avoid injuring it further. You usually end up hurting it in every possible way.(ohh the little bunny couldn't possibly hurt me if I pet it, but noo, it has bite the little finger) The more careful I try to be with my car the more I seem to scratch it.


Blogger Kiat said...

Why do you need to sit next to the groom to avoid attention? It's other people's wedding anyways. Unless... are you the best man?

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dudeeee! That's so funny! You made me laugh for the day. Thanks :)


2:52 PM  
Blogger syed said...

something like the best man, not the best best man but close.
I'm glad I made you smile :)
in your own words "what am I a joker now?" 8D
take care of yourself.

5:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Urdu Media War and the Wakf properties tussle in Hyd ; MiM Leader Akbaruddin Owaisi
(Friday, Dec 09, 2005 - 09:00 pm) TeamMedia war among Urdu dailies was taken to Assembly in Hyderabad, when MIM floor leader Akbaruddin Owaisi accused Siasat and Munsif Urdu daily owners of grabbing Wakf properties and demanded stern action against them.Mr Owaisi armed with statistics and details of all Waqf Lands which are being encroached upon said govt is going soft on these editors as they are trying to threaten the govt through there newspapers .In the same breath he also alleged that no action was taken against grabbers of Wakf properties in city and outside including Viceroy Hotel, Shaam and Sensation theatres, local reports inform. Turning his ire on owners of rival Urdu dailies, Siasat and Musif, he said, "Mr Zahid Ali Khan has illegally encroached Wakf property. He is a white collar land grabber. Why is the government keeping quite? You should put them behind bars." Shifting his heat on another Urdu daily Munsif owner, he remarked, "Mr Khan Lateef Khan...the double Khan.. too has encroached Wakf properties housing Santosh and Sapna theatres, yet no action has been taken. The government should take stringent action against encroachers of Wakf properties," he alleged. Reacting to Mr Owaisi's demand, minister for minorities welfare Mohd Fareeduddin assured that the government would enquire into the matter and would not "spare anyone however big he might be." Referring to allotment of land to one Tajuddin, he said the land was given on a lease for three years for agricultural purposes and the renewal would depend on the government He also accused them of trying to cover there illegal grabbing of land by bribing some high officals in the govt .

4:49 AM  

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