Syed's guide to surviving a Desi wedding

These past few days I had the good fortune of being able to attend the wedding celebration of an old school friend. Seeing the wedding and searching for a guide online made me realize there are no really good guides online on how to survive a Desi wedding. First though lets start with the word Desi, it means anyone from the Indian subcontinent. Even though the governments might be at odds with each other, the people of the subcontinent have a lot of similarities. For example every wedding has rice, lots and lots of rice. At a regular wedding there is more rice than there is fissile material in all the nuclear war heads in the United States.

So how do you survive a Desi wedding? Well it depends on what you mean by survive, there is no hope for the bride and groom, they are treated like prized monkeys in a zoo. Everyone takes pictures with them, feeds them to death and analyzes their choice of clothing/accessories etc(which btw the bride and groom have no choice in) till its 4 am in the morning and the bride and groom can't sit straight anymore and the fake smile is etched into their face forever. So my goal at the wedding was to be as self effacesive as possible, I didn't want to draw any attention to myself so I situated myself as close to the groom as possible. This strategy works rather well, the closer you are to the centre of attention the farther you are from it yourself. If you don't want to be force fed till you feel like you are about to explode in a fury of rice and sweets you have force feed others. If you sit around silently someone will come around and put a feeding tube down your throat and pass rice into you till it backs up and flows out of the tube. This actually isn't too far from the truth, A Desi wedding means gaining about 5lbs in one night, and then there is the singing, god help us. The women folk start singing old wedding songs, these songs have been around for about as long as anyone can remember and have been passed from generation to generation at weddings. After the course of many millennia something that, in all probability, started out as a simple song has ended up becoming a full orchestral ensemble with a choir group an everything.
I survived this one and many people asked when I would be getting married, with the looks of horror the poor groom gave me at being made to sit through a 100 photo sessions I don't think I will be doing anything quite that stupid anytime soon, why put your self through all that trouble?. I plan to elope, that is I plan to elope as soon as I have someone to elope with. Probably go live me life out in Timbuktu or some thing.

In other news some one rear ended my car. It’s like when your little finger gets hurt and you try your best to avoid injuring it further. You usually end up hurting it in every possible way.(ohh the little bunny couldn't possibly hurt me if I pet it, but noo, it has bite the little finger) The more careful I try to be with my car the more I seem to scratch it.